april 27th. two thousand nine.

Lady nature; I learn so much from her. I find myself obsessed. I wake up each day antsy to see her. I emerge myself in her, either by accidental or purposeful cause. I think we're so much like her. In fact, we are made of the very same elements. The subconscious maps that are at work in our heads harmonize with her daily craft. Seeds. They're little people, I think. When seeds are sown they have the ability to fruitless, and the ability to produce a fruitful harvest. I think it can be broken down even smaller too. Seeds can not only be little fruitless and fruitful people, but they can be fruitless and fruitful acts of a person. I yearn to sow good and fruitful seeds in my life. Not to just provide a beautiful sanctuary for me to rest in in the future. But more importantly, to provide a peaceful sanctuary for others to rest in as well. I find more joy out of serving people. I think for many months I have served other people, but with an underlining motive. A motive of selfishness.. And so I've been in a funk wondering how I am still so ill at rest when I've been living the same life for years. I've had a secret shift of motives. Pride took ahold of everything and started breaking me down. I've come to a conclusion of this, and have reached a breaking point. And thank G/d, literally, that I've been humbled...just a tad bit. I wish to be humbled even more. To be deformed into an unattractive being. One who stops holding her head so high. One who ceases to convulse up empty words. One who quits looking in mirrors. MIRRORS. I wish they would all leave this earth. They only have one purpose: for you to look at yourself. To wallow in your looks and vice versa. I've heard so many stories of friends going to third world countries and them bringing cameras with them. The kids go nuts over them because for many, its the first time they've ever seen themselves. I wish this place were the same. The buildings of artificiality would plummet to the ground, leaving real worth and beauty able to come into its own. Mirrors. Mirrors are an illustration of this self-seeking society. To be bluntly honest, they're an illustration of myself. That sickens me...very much. I express many of my thoughts not only for others to read, but for me to meditate on. Fabricating random, chaotic mind vomit keeps me at peace.