23rd of October; two thousand nine

"The Meditation of yesterday has filled my mind with so many doubts, that it is no longer in my power to forget them. Nor do I see, meanwhile, any principle on which they can be resolved; and, just as if I had fallen all of a sudden into very deep water, I am so greatly disconcerted as to be unable either to plant my feet firmly on the bottom or sustain myself by swimming on the surface. I will, nevertheless, make an effort, and try anew the same path on which I had entered yesterday, that is, proceed by casting aside all that admits of the slightest doubt, not less than if I had discovered it to be absolutely false; and I will continue always in this track until I shall find something that is certain, or at least, if I can do nothing more, until I shall know with certainty that there is nothing certain. "

knowing not the date, nor caring about it either

"This is for the ones whose hope is falling
And you no longer hear your savior's calling.

This is for the ones whoes backs are turning
And that passion-filled heart you once had has stopped burning.

This is for the ones abandoned.
Now all alone with no solace
and you think you're stranded.

This is for you empty, by life branded,
That had a vision that took leap, but it never landed.

This is for the ones who are plagued.
By those mysteries of life.
And you feel torn inside
by this mind of spirit and strife.

This is for the ones whoes desire to do good is always outweighed
and you don't do as you should.

This is for the ones who mistakes are too many to count
and the guilt on your chest just continues to mount.

This is for the ones who have been done wrong by sins.
At the corrupted hands of perverted men.

Hold on.
Hold on.

Because soon will come the Celebration Wedding
and bundles of restoration will be our bedding.

Soon will come the Celebration Wedding
and bundles of restoration will be our bedding.

The trumpeter is taking a breath
The guests are taking their seats.
The Bride is putting on a veil.
The Father is making last-minute preparations.

There's Thousands Times Ten Thousand
angels waiting in holy expectation.

The readied groom is readied.

Soon will come the Celebration Wedding

If you are hurting, your hurt will cease.
If you are restless, you will find peace.
If you are empty, You will be filled.
All of these doubts, they'll be stilled.

If life for you is just to trying, Your tears will be dissipate.
There won't be anymore crying.
If the only thing you know is shame, you will be cleansed
and never again feel the same.

If you can't see straight.

foucus.
persevere.
And wait...

Soon will come the Celebration Wedding
and bundles of restoration will be our bedding."

September 22nd;; two thousand nine//

a keen interest of the heavens lately,,,,,,

august first two thousand nine.

I want to wander. Alone. Unaccompanied.

I'm not me, anymore...

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

I need to be humbled. I need to be broken down. I'm so sickened by myself lately. I don't know how to love...people, nature, myself, the Divine. I can't give things up. I can't sacrifice. I need to mend and recreate and better me. 

I still want this. More now than ever.

February 5th 2009.
A Letter to the Divine,

There is this deep weight crushing down on my soul tonight.
This feeling burdens me from time to time and is not an abnormal thing...but the walls of my soul are about to give in. It is at these times that I am most afraid. This feeling hits me like a flash of a camera amidst the dark space. The darkness I am surrounded by is the numbness of my soul. Then this light comes so unexpectedly. The flash being the pain, the insecurity, and the fear. It is not the outcome of my life circumstances that I question. It is only this fear of me feeling weak. 

"Olives must be crushed to make oil."

I have heard that it is in these times you shape us the most. It is in these times that you speak to us the most. If what "the people" are saying is truth...that scares me. I don't feel like I am growing, I feel like I'm getting smaller. I crave to hear Your voice, but I don't hear the faintest of whispers. But then again...I could be drowning out Your voice with my own. I could be throwing a mask of my own self-pride against Your face that I so earnestly seek. I could be delaying my growth by the weakening and decaying of my smoked filled lungs. Its crazy how such a pathetic plant can bring so much escape. But then again, its no "escape" at all. Its really a life jacket with a pinhole poked into it...providing momentary escape for the time being...only to fail you in the end with no safety at all. 

God, I need you to fight for me. Because the life of my soul is at risk. I need you to save me from myself. Break my hands that bring me self-destruction. Pluck out my eyes that search for truth, joy, beauty, and security in all the wrong places. Tear off my ears that listen to the lies of "the people." And break my back so I will not walk so high, and stoop and hang me to the most humble of places. 

Deform me into this. Because this "attractive being" that "the people" hold themselves to (and I hold myself to) is starting to loose its allure. 

I beg for a healing that comes from deformation...

june 14th. two thousand nine.

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy."

may 6th. two thousand nine.

The perfect birthday present. Fetched straight from the streets of Paris into my little hands. Sophia bella brought her back. I named her Edith, like my favorite french singer, Edith Piaf. It cheeps of one of her songs.

april 29th. two thousand nine.

"I talk about love, forgiveness, social justice; I rage against American materialism in the name of altruism, but have I even controlled my own heart? The overwhelming majority of time I spend thinking about myself, pleasing myself, reassuring myself, and when I am done there is nothing to spare for the needy. Six billion people live in this world, and I can only muster thoughts for one. Me."

Donald Miller

april 27th. two thousand nine part II

This just further illustrates how lady nature and man, are one in the same.

april 27th. two thousand nine.

Lady nature; I learn so much from her. I find myself obsessed. I wake up each day antsy to see her. I emerge myself in her, either by accidental or purposeful cause. I think we're so much like her. In fact, we are made of the very same elements. The subconscious maps that are at work in our heads harmonize with her daily craft. Seeds. They're little people, I think. When seeds are sown they have the ability to fruitless, and the ability to produce a fruitful harvest. I think it can be broken down even smaller too. Seeds can not only be little fruitless and fruitful people, but they can be fruitless and fruitful acts of a person. I yearn to sow good and fruitful seeds in my life. Not to just provide a beautiful sanctuary for me to rest in in the future. But more importantly, to provide a peaceful sanctuary for others to rest in as well. I find more joy out of serving people. I think for many months I have served other people, but with an underlining motive. A motive of selfishness.. And so I've been in a funk wondering how I am still so ill at rest when I've been living the same life for years. I've had a secret shift of motives. Pride took ahold of everything and started breaking me down. I've come to a conclusion of this, and have reached a breaking point. And thank G/d, literally, that I've been humbled...just a tad bit. I wish to be humbled even more. To be deformed into an unattractive being. One who stops holding her head so high. One who ceases to convulse up empty words. One who quits looking in mirrors. MIRRORS. I wish they would all leave this earth. They only have one purpose: for you to look at yourself. To wallow in your looks and vice versa. I've heard so many stories of friends going to third world countries and them bringing cameras with them. The kids go nuts over them because for many, its the first time they've ever seen themselves. I wish this place were the same. The buildings of artificiality would plummet to the ground, leaving real worth and beauty able to come into its own. Mirrors. Mirrors are an illustration of this self-seeking society. To be bluntly honest, they're an illustration of myself. That sickens me...very much. I express many of my thoughts not only for others to read, but for me to meditate on. Fabricating random, chaotic mind vomit keeps me at peace.

april 22nd. two thousand nine.

april 16th. two thousand nine.

In need of a new place to rest my head.

april 6th. two thousand nine.

.

fadeoraded

april 4th. two thousand nine.

Waiting sixteen hours: sleep-deprived and anxious. Sitting in gate a01, fervently studying the people around me. A lady of poise and elegance, the finest of linens and leathers bathed her legs, arms and feet. Her stick straight corn flowered hair flattering a face adorned by raspberry pink lips. An italian dame she was returning to her home in Florence. She gave me a hope for what I was about to encounter. Firenze, unsurpassable to any location I have ever been. Every structure, every street, and every person carrying out individuality. I love this place. Every single thing here has blessed me significantly. And not only that but the presence of a friend that is more dear to me than anyone. Us sitting on the steps of Piazza Duomo, catching up on past life experiences, filled with contempt and heartbreak. We relate and sigh in bliss as we drink our guinness'--well her cider, me guinness of course. All of the people here are so pleasant. People are out for hours on the cobblestone streets and there is not a worry in the world for me. I feel safe and at home. This is where I need to be. Its suits the way I've come into being. The way my mind works compliments the way the city works. Its the city of rebirth...and this is my rebirth. Timing could not be more precise than this. I want to get a job here and never come back. A fantasy, but possible if really desired. Leaving for Rome next week. Then from there, Amsterdam.

arrivederci amici

april 1st. two thousand nine.

Tomorrow I will set out on a pursuit. A pursuit to leave what is restful and comfortable. A pursuit to perceive myself. Not to find myself, for I have always been constant, but to be content in myself from a new perspective. One that is not distracted. One that is not pursuing a lost cause, such as a chasing after a relationship, lifestyle, talent or moral. I count those things meaningless now. I accept the molding that it did, and I am moving on. To more wholesome motives. My anxious eyes are set ahead on new surroundings. I desire for them to humble me. I hope that the culture captures a new part of me, the searching one. I aspire to be an appreciator, and not be appreciated. To see, and not be seen. To listen, and not be listened to. To understand, and not be understood. To love, and not be loved. To encourage, and not be encouraged. I know this pursuit will be the first substantial step in doing so.

march 31st. two thousand nine.

There is no void in change.

march 29th. two thousand nine.

Tonight. My bones and mind; weary. Thoughts that have been built upon fear, question, hope, and pride have come to a close. This reasoning has gone on for so long--untouched, being stacked one on top of the other, growing quickly in breadth. New relations bring me this closure, and I acknowledge the blessing that it is. I have been competent to unearth the theory that everything, trusts in something.
Man keenly trusts the growing and working of their subconscious mind. We trust that our subconscious mind will alert our heart to pump blood to every limb and organ of our body, supplying nutrients that give life and energy while simultaneously cleansing tissues of everyday residue. We trust that our subconscious mind will awaken the thousands of finest nerves, each responsive to just one light perceptive cell, convey images of reality into our minds, which stores them away for future retrieval. We trust that our subconscious mind will evoke the rows of tiny hairs that bend to the movement of the fluid that bathes them. Each hair, vibrating to the frequency of just one wavelength of sound.
Or even nature. Nature confides in the numerous role that each living organism participates in. The entire earth trusts in the sun. The earth trusts gravitational pull of the sun to hold the earth and other planets in orbit. The oceans and the seas trust in solar energy to keep the temperature of earth at a level that allows a variety of life to exist. Time trusts in the guidance of the sun to rise over the eastern horizon come morning, stretch out across the sky come day, and rest in the west come evening. Plants trust in the sun's good energy to make food, and plants in turn, provide food for other organisms.
Man trusts in the words of society. To direct us onto the path of prosperity and enlightenment. We put trust in our governmental power (I don't, but some do) to sell us edible food, to provide us with trusting doctors, to provide first-rate teachers to mold the minds of the young, to preserve our life's earnings, etc, etc, etc.
The most bona fide use of trustfulness, we trust in loved ones. We trust in parental authorities to love unconditionally without effort. We trust them to provide, protect, and encourage. We trust in lovers. For sincerity, and commitment. For inspiration and passion. We trust them with our vulnerability,to accept and flatter it.
I'm learning through exhaustion and a weakened spirit, that you can't place trust in people. To arrange words more clearly, you cannot place your emotions into peoples hands. You cannot allow people or any other created thing, dictate the freeness of your spirit.
Nature is the echoer of the Divine. I know this because nature does not fail nature. Humans fail humans, we are flawed and blind in every way. We put things into our own hands rather than letting experiences occur organically, in harmony with one another. The sun continues to burn because it needs to. The plants grows because they are required to. Animals eat and digest these plants because it is necessary that they do so. Man has been blessed...a blessing, but a curse to have the freedom to live out of order, to live spontaneously. Through our freedom, we bring failure.
Everything trusts in something. My trust in people has been significantly shaken these past few months. I wish earnestly that we could trust humans like we could trust nature or the divine. My words carry out no meaning or clarity. But these are my thoughts. Jumbled, broken, imperfect, and blind. These thoughts are molding me. So I share them.

pure genius. note clippings from art show at the kava lounge. best 2:54